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- Джон Фоулз
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All
the
way
down
here
in
the
van
it
was
nightmare
.
Wanting
to
be
sick
and
afraid
of
choking
under
the
gag
.
And
then
being
sick
.
Thinking
I
was
going
to
be
pulled
into
some
thicket
and
raped
and
murdered
.
I
was
sure
that
was
it
when
the
van
stopped
,
I
think
that
was
why
I
was
sick
.
Not
just
the
beastly
chloroform
.
(
I
kept
on
remembering
Penny
Lester
’
s
grisly
dormitory
stories
about
how
her
mother
survived
being
raped
by
the
Japanese
,
I
kept
on
saying
,
don
’
t
resist
,
don
’
t
resist
.
And
then
someone
else
at
Ladymont
once
said
that
it
takes
two
men
to
rape
you
.
Women
who
let
themselves
be
raped
by
one
man
want
to
be
raped
.
)
I
know
now
that
wouldn
’
t
be
his
way
.
He
’
d
use
chloroform
again
,
or
something
.
But
that
first
night
it
was
,
don
’
t
resist
,
don
’
t
resist
.
I
was
grateful
to
be
alive
.
I
am
a
terrible
coward
,
I
don
’
t
want
to
die
,
I
love
life
so
passionately
,
I
never
knew
how
much
I
wanted
to
live
before
.
If
I
get
out
of
this
,
I
shall
never
be
the
same
.
I
don
’
t
care
what
he
does
.
So
long
as
I
live
.
It
’
s
all
the
vile
unspeakable
things
he
could
do
.
I
’
ve
looked
everywhere
for
a
weapon
,
but
there
’
s
nothing
of
any
use
,
even
if
I
had
the
strength
and
skill
.
I
prop
a
chair
against
the
iron
door
every
night
,
so
at
least
I
shall
know
if
he
tries
to
get
in
without
my
hearing
.
Hateful
primitive
wash
-
stand
and
place
.
The
great
blank
door
.
No
keyhole
.
Nothing
.
The
silence
.
I
’
ve
got
a
little
more
used
to
it
now
.
But
it
is
terrible
.
Never
the
least
sound
.
It
makes
me
feel
I
’
m
always
waiting
.
Alive
.
Alive
in
the
way
that
death
is
alive
.
