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And
even
if
he
separated
himself
from
me
to
watch
from
outside
my
body
,
it
would
do
him
no
good
because
the
room
would
be
dark
.
I
waited
for
some
sign
that
he
suspected
the
warn
­
ing
symptoms
of
panic
.
But
nothing
.
I
felt
alert
and
calm
.
I
put
my
arm
around
her
.
"
Charlie
,
I
"
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"
Dont
talk
!
"
I
snapped
,
and
she
shrank
from
me
.
"
Please
,
"
I
reassured
her
,
"
don
t
say
anything
.
Just
let
me
hold
you
quietly
in
the
dark
.
"
I
brought
her
close
to
me
,
and
there
under
the
darkness
of
my
closed
lids
,
I
conjured
up
the
picture
of
Fay
with
her
long
blonde
hair
and
fair
skin
.
Fay
,
as
I
had
seen
her
last
beside
me
.
I
kissed
Fay
s
hair
,
Fay
s
throat
,
and
finally
came
to
rest
upon
Fay
s
lips
.
I
felt
Fay
s
arms
stroking
the
muscles
on
my
back
,
my
shoulders
,
and
the
tightness
inside
me
built
up
as
it
had
never
before
done
for
a
woman
.
I
caressed
her
slowly
at
first
and
then
with
impatient
,
mounting
excitement
that
would
soon
tell
.
The
hairs
on
my
neck
began
to
tingle
.
Someone
else
was
in
the
room
,
peering
through
the
darkness
,
trying
to
see
.
And
feverishly
I
thought
the
name
over
and
over
to
myself
.
Fay
!
Fay
!
FAY
!
I
imagined
her
face
sharply
and
clearly
so
that
nothing
could
come
between
us
.
And
then
,
as
she
gripped
me
closer
,
I
cried
out
and
pushed
her
away
.
"
Charlie
!
"
I
couldn
t
see
Alice
s
face
,
but
her
gasp
mir
­
rored
the
shock
.
"
No
,
Alice
!
I
can
t
.
You
don
t
understand
.
"
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I
jumped
up
from
the
couch
and
turned
on
the
light
.
I
almost
expected
to
see
him
standing
there
.
But
of
course
not
.
We
were
alone
.
It
was
all
in
my
mind
.
Alice
was
lying
there
,
her
blouse
open
where
I
had
unbuttoned
it
,
her
face
flushed
,
eyes
wide
in
disbelief
.
"
I
love
you
.
.
.
"
the
words
choked
out
of
me
,
"
but
I
can
t
do
it
.
Something
I
can
t
ex
­
plain
,
but
if
I
hadn
t
stopped
,
I
would
hate
myself
for
the
rest
of
my
life
.
Don
t
ask
me
to
explain
,
or
you
ll
hate
me
too
.
It
has
to
do
with
Charlie
.
For
some
reason
,
he
won
t
let
me
make
love
to
you
.
"
She
looked
away
and
buttoned
her
blouse
.
"
It
was
dif
­
ferent
tonight
,
"
she
said
.
"
You
didn
t
get
nausea
or
panic
or
anything
like
that
.
You
wanted
me
.
"