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111
And
I
know
John
would
think
it
absurd
.
But
I
MUST
say
what
I
feel
and
think
in
some
way
--
it
is
such
a
relief
!
112
But
the
effort
is
getting
to
be
greater
than
the
relief
.
113
Half
the
time
now
I
am
awfully
lazy
,
and
lie
down
ever
so
much
.
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114
John
says
I
mus
n't
lose
my
strength
,
and
has
me
take
cod
liver
oil
and
lots
of
tonics
and
things
,
to
say
nothing
of
ale
and
wine
and
rare
meat
.
115
Dear
John
!
He
loves
me
very
dearly
,
and
hates
to
have
me
sick
.
I
tried
to
have
a
real
earnest
reasonable
talk
with
him
the
other
day
,
and
tell
him
how
I
wish
he
would
let
me
go
and
make
a
visit
to
Cousin
Henry
and
Julia
.
116
But
he
said
I
was
n't
able
to
go
,
nor
able
to
stand
it
after
I
got
there
;
and
I
did
not
make
out
a
very
good
case
for
myself
,
for
I
was
crying
before
I
had
finished
.
117
It
is
getting
to
be
a
great
effort
for
me
to
think
straight
.
Just
this
nervous
weakness
I
suppose
.
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118
And
dear
John
gathered
me
up
in
his
arms
,
and
just
carried
me
upstairs
and
laid
me
on
the
bed
,
and
sat
by
me
and
read
to
me
till
it
tired
my
head
.
119
He
said
I
was
his
darling
and
his
comfort
and
all
he
had
,
and
that
I
must
take
care
of
myself
for
his
sake
,
and
keep
well
.
120
He
says
no
one
but
myself
can
help
me
out
of
it
,
that
I
must
use
my
will
and
self-control
and
not
let
any
silly
fancies
run
away
with
me
.