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Superstition
was
with
me
at
that
moment
;
but
it
was
not
yet
her
hour
for
complete
victory
:
my
blood
was
still
warm
;
the
mood
of
the
revolted
slave
was
still
bracing
me
with
its
bitter
vigour
;
I
had
to
stem
a
rapid
rush
of
retrospective
thought
before
I
quailed
to
the
dismal
present
.
All
John
Reed
's
violent
tyrannies
,
all
his
sisters
'
proud
indifference
,
all
his
mother
's
aversion
,
all
the
servants
'
partiality
,
turned
up
in
my
disturbed
mind
like
a
dark
deposit
in
a
turbid
well
.
Why
was
I
always
suffering
,
always
browbeaten
,
always
accused
,
for
ever
condemned
?
Why
could
I
never
please
?
Why
was
it
useless
to
try
to
win
any
one
's
favour
?
Eliza
,
who
was
headstrong
and
selfish
,
was
respected
.
Georgiana
,
who
had
a
spoiled
temper
,
a
very
acrid
spite
,
a
captious
and
insolent
carriage
,
was
universally
indulged
.
Her
beauty
,
her
pink
cheeks
and
golden
curls
,
seemed
to
give
delight
to
all
who
looked
at
her
,
and
to
purchase
indemnity
for
every
fault
.
John
no
one
thwarted
,
much
less
punished
;
though
he
twisted
the
necks
of
the
pigeons
,
killed
the
little
pea-chicks
,
set
the
dogs
at
the
sheep
,
stripped
the
hothouse
vines
of
their
fruit
,
and
broke
the
buds
off
the
choicest
plants
in
the
conservatory
:
he
called
his
mother
"
old
girl
,
"
too
;
sometimes
reviled
her
for
her
dark
skin
,
similar
to
his
own
;
bluntly
disregarded
her
wishes
;
not
unfrequently
tore
and
spoiled
her
silk
attire
;
and
he
was
still
"
her
own
darling
.
"
I
dared
commit
no
fault
:
I
strove
to
fulfil
every
duty
;
and
I
was
termed
naughty
and
tiresome
,
sullen
and
sneaking
,
from
morning
to
noon
,
and
from
noon
to
night
.
My
head
still
ached
and
bled
with
the
blow
and
fall
I
had
received
:
no
one
had
reproved
John
for
wantonly
striking
me
;
and
because
I
had
turned
against
him
to
avert
farther
irrational
violence
,
I
was
loaded
with
general
opprobrium
.
"
Unjust
!
--
unjust
!
"
said
my
reason
,
forced
by
the
agonising
stimulus
into
precocious
though
transitory
power
:
and
Resolve
,
equally
wrought
up
,
instigated
some
strange
expedient
to
achieve
escape
from
insupportable
oppression
--
as
running
away
,
or
,
if
that
could
not
be
effected
,
never
eating
or
drinking
more
,
and
letting
myself
die
.
What
a
consternation
of
soul
was
mine
that
dreary
afternoon
!
How
all
my
brain
was
in
tumult
,
and
all
my
heart
in
insurrection
!
Yet
in
what
darkness
,
what
dense
ignorance
,
was
the
mental
battle
fought
!
I
could
not
answer
the
ceaseless
inward
question
--
why
I
thus
suffered
;
now
,
at
the
distance
of
--
I
will
not
say
how
many
years
,
I
see
it
clearly
.
I
was
a
discord
in
Gateshead
Hall
:
I
was
like
nobody
there
;
I
had
nothing
in
harmony
with
Mrs.
Reed
or
her
children
,
or
her
chosen
vassalage
.
If
they
did
not
love
me
,
in
fact
,
as
little
did
I
love
them
.
They
were
not
bound
to
regard
with
affection
a
thing
that
could
not
sympathise
with
one
amongst
them
;
a
heterogeneous
thing
,
opposed
to
them
in
temperament
,
in
capacity
,
in
propensities
;
a
useless
thing
,
incapable
of
serving
their
interest
,
or
adding
to
their
pleasure
;
a
noxious
thing
,
cherishing
the
germs
of
indignation
at
their
treatment
,
of
contempt
of
their
judgment
.
I
know
that
had
I
been
a
sanguine
,
brilliant
,
careless
,
exacting
,
handsome
,
romping
child
--
though
equally
dependent
and
friendless
--
Mrs.
Reed
would
have
endured
my
presence
more
complacently
;
her
children
would
have
entertained
for
me
more
of
the
cordiality
of
fellow-feeling
;
the
servants
would
have
been
less
prone
to
make
me
the
scapegoat
of
the
nursery
.
Daylight
began
to
forsake
the
red-room
;
it
was
past
four
o'clock
,
and
the
beclouded
afternoon
was
tending
to
drear
twilight
.
I
heard
the
rain
still
beating
continuously
on
the
staircase
window
,
and
the
wind
howling
in
the
grove
behind
the
hall
;
I
grew
by
degrees
cold
as
a
stone
,
and
then
my
courage
sank
.
My
habitual
mood
of
humiliation
,
self-doubt
,
forlorn
depression
,
fell
damp
on
the
embers
of
my
decaying
ire
.
All
said
I
was
wicked
,
and
perhaps
I
might
be
so
;
what
thought
had
I
been
but
just
conceiving
of
starving
myself
to
death
?
That
certainly
was
a
crime
:
and
was
I
fit
to
die
?
Or
was
the
vault
under
the
chancel
of
Gateshead
Church
an
inviting
bourne
?
In
such
vault
I
had
been
told
did
Mr.
Reed
lie
buried
;
and
led
by
this
thought
to
recall
his
idea
,
I
dwelt
on
it
with
gathering
dread
.
I
could
not
remember
him
;
but
I
knew
that
he
was
my
own
uncle
--
my
mother
's
brother
--
that
he
had
taken
me
when
a
parentless
infant
to
his
house
;
and
that
in
his
last
moments
he
had
required
a
promise
of
Mrs.
Reed
that
she
would
rear
and
maintain
me
as
one
of
her
own
children
.
Mrs.
Reed
probably
considered
she
had
kept
this
promise
;
and
so
she
had
,
I
dare
say
,
as
well
as
her
nature
would
permit
her
;
but
how
could
she
really
like
an
interloper
not
of
her
race
,
and
unconnected
with
her
,
after
her
husband
's
death
,
by
any
tie
?
It
must
have
been
most
irksome
to
find
herself
bound
by
a
hard-wrung
pledge
to
stand
in
the
stead
of
a
parent
to
a
strange
child
she
could
not
love
,
and
to
see
an
uncongenial
alien
permanently
intruded
on
her
own
family
group
.
A
singular
notion
dawned
upon
me
.
I
doubted
not
--
never
doubted
--
that
if
Mr.
Reed
had
been
alive
he
would
have
treated
me
kindly
;
and
now
,
as
I
sat
looking
at
the
white
bed
and
overshadowed
walls
--
occasionally
also
turning
a
fascinated
eye
towards
the
dimly
gleaning
mirror
--
I
began
to
recall
what
I
had
heard
of
dead
men
,
troubled
in
their
graves
by
the
violation
of
their
last
wishes
,
revisiting
the
earth
to
punish
the
perjured
and
avenge
the
oppressed
;
and
I
thought
Mr.
Reed
's
spirit
,
harassed
by
the
wrongs
of
his
sister
's
child
,
might
quit
its
abode
--
whether
in
the
church
vault
or
in
the
unknown
world
of
the
departed
--
and
rise
before
me
in
this
chamber
.
I
wiped
my
tears
and
hushed
my
sobs
,
fearful
lest
any
sign
of
violent
grief
might
waken
a
preternatural
voice
to
comfort
me
,
or
elicit
from
the
gloom
some
haloed
face
,
bending
over
me
with
strange
pity
.
This
idea
,
consolatory
in
theory
,
I
felt
would
be
terrible
if
realised
:
with
all
my
might
I
endeavoured
to
stifle
it
--
I
endeavoured
to
be
firm
.
Shaking
my
hair
from
my
eyes
,
I
lifted
my
head
and
tried
to
look
boldly
round
the
dark
room
;
at
this
moment
a
light
gleamed
on
the
wall
.
Was
it
,
I
asked
myself
,
a
ray
from
the
moon
penetrating
some
aperture
in
the
blind
?
No
;
moonlight
was
still
,
and
this
stirred
;
while
I
gazed
,
it
glided
up
to
the
ceiling
and
quivered
over
my
head
.
I
can
now
conjecture
readily
that
this
streak
of
light
was
,
in
all
likelihood
,
a
gleam
from
a
lantern
carried
by
some
one
across
the
lawn
:
but
then
,
prepared
as
my
mind
was
for
horror
,
shaken
as
my
nerves
were
by
agitation
,
I
thought
the
swift
darting
beam
was
a
herald
of
some
coming
vision
from
another
world
.
My
heart
beat
thick
,
my
head
grew
hot
;
a
sound
filled
my
ears
,
which
I
deemed
the
rushing
of
wings
;
something
seemed
near
me
;
I
was
oppressed
,
suffocated
:
endurance
broke
down
;
I
rushed
to
the
door
and
shook
the
lock
in
desperate
effort
.
Steps
came
running
along
the
outer
passage
;
the
key
turned
,
Bessie
and
Abbot
entered
.
