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- Джозеф Конрад
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- Сердце тьмы
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- Стр. 28/33
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"
One
evening
coming
in
with
a
candle
I
was
startled
to
hear
him
say
a
little
tremulously
,
'
I
am
lying
here
in
the
dark
waiting
for
death
.
'
The
light
was
within
a
foot
of
his
eyes
.
I
forced
myself
to
murmur
,
'
Oh
,
nonsense
!
'
and
stood
over
him
as
if
transfixed
.
"
Anything
approaching
the
change
that
came
over
his
features
I
have
never
seen
before
,
and
hope
never
to
see
again
.
Oh
,
I
was
n't
touched
.
I
was
fascinated
.
It
was
as
though
a
veil
had
been
rent
.
I
saw
on
that
ivory
face
the
expression
of
sombre
pride
,
of
ruthless
power
,
of
craven
terror
--
of
an
intense
and
hopeless
despair
.
Did
he
live
his
life
again
in
every
detail
of
desire
,
temptation
,
and
surrender
during
that
supreme
moment
of
complete
knowledge
?
He
cried
in
a
whisper
at
some
image
,
at
some
vision
--
he
cried
out
twice
,
a
cry
that
was
no
more
than
a
breath
:
"
'
The
horror
!
The
horror
!
'
"
I
blew
the
candle
out
and
left
the
cabin
.
The
pilgrims
were
dining
in
the
mess-room
,
and
I
took
my
place
opposite
the
manager
,
who
lifted
his
eyes
to
give
me
a
questioning
glance
,
which
I
successfully
ignored
.
He
leaned
back
,
serene
,
with
that
peculiar
smile
of
his
sealing
the
unexpressed
depths
of
his
meanness
.
A
continuous
shower
of
small
flies
streamed
upon
the
lamp
,
upon
the
cloth
,
upon
our
hands
and
faces
.
Suddenly
the
manager
's
boy
put
his
insolent
black
head
in
the
doorway
,
and
said
in
a
tone
of
scathing
contempt
:
"
'
Mistah
Kurtz
--
he
dead
.
'
"
All
the
pilgrims
rushed
out
to
see
.
I
remained
,
and
went
on
with
my
dinner
.
I
believe
I
was
considered
brutally
callous
.
However
,
I
did
not
eat
much
.
There
was
a
lamp
in
there
--
light
,
do
n't
you
know
--
and
outside
it
was
so
beastly
,
beastly
dark
.
I
went
no
more
near
the
remarkable
man
who
had
pronounced
a
judgment
upon
the
adventures
of
his
soul
on
this
earth
.
The
voice
was
gone
.
What
else
had
been
there
?
But
I
am
of
course
aware
that
next
day
the
pilgrims
buried
something
in
a
muddy
hole
.
"
And
then
they
very
nearly
buried
me
.
"
However
,
as
you
see
,
I
did
not
go
to
join
Kurtz
there
and
then
.
I
did
not
.
I
remained
to
dream
the
nightmare
out
to
the
end
,
and
to
show
my
loyalty
to
Kurtz
once
more
.
Destiny
.
My
destiny
!
Droll
thing
life
is
--
that
mysterious
arrangement
of
merciless
logic
for
a
futile
purpose
.
The
most
you
can
hope
from
it
is
some
knowledge
of
yourself
--
that
comes
too
late
--
a
crop
of
unextinguishable
regrets
.
I
have
wrestled
with
death
.
It
is
the
most
unexciting
contest
you
can
imagine
.
It
takes
place
in
an
impalpable
greyness
,
with
nothing
underfoot
,
with
nothing
around
,
without
spectators
,
without
clamour
,
without
glory
,
without
the
great
desire
of
victory
,
without
the
great
fear
of
defeat
,
in
a
sickly
atmosphere
of
tepid
scepticism
,
without
much
belief
in
your
own
right
,
and
still
less
in
that
of
your
adversary
.
If
such
is
the
form
of
ultimate
wisdom
,
then
life
is
a
greater
riddle
than
some
of
us
think
it
to
be
.
I
was
within
a
hair
's
breadth
of
the
last
opportunity
for
pronouncement
,
and
I
found
with
humiliation
that
probably
I
would
have
nothing
to
say
.
This
is
the
reason
why
I
affirm
that
Kurtz
was
a
remarkable
man
.
He
had
something
to
say
.
He
said
it
.
Since
I
had
peeped
over
the
edge
myself
,
I
understand
better
the
meaning
of
his
stare
,
that
could
not
see
the
flame
of
the
candle
,
but
was
wide
enough
to
embrace
the
whole
universe
,
piercing
enough
to
penetrate
all
the
hearts
that
beat
in
the
darkness
.
He
had
summed
up
--
he
had
judged
.
'
The
horror
!
'
He
was
a
remarkable
man
.
After
all
,
this
was
the
expression
of
some
sort
of
belief
;
it
had
candour
,
it
had
conviction
,
it
had
a
vibrating
note
of
revolt
in
its
whisper
,
it
had
the
appalling
face
of
a
glimpsed
truth
--
the
strange
commingling
of
desire
and
hate
.
And
it
is
not
my
own
extremity
I
remember
best
--
a
vision
of
greyness
without
form
filled
with
physical
pain
,
and
a
careless
contempt
for
the
evanescence
of
all
things
--
even
of
this
pain
itself
.
No
!
It
is
his
extremity
that
I
seem
to
have
lived
through
.
