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381
Considered
later
,
I
suppose
I
behaved
like
a
fool
.
My
head
was
still
full
of
standards
and
conventions
that
had
ceased
to
apply
.
It
did
not
occur
to
me
that
if
there
was
to
be
any
survival
,
anyone
adopted
by
this
gang
would
stand
a
far
better
chance
than
she
would
on
her
own
.
Fired
with
a
mixture
of
schoolboy
heroics
and
noble
sentiments
,
I
waded
in
.
He
didn
t
see
me
coming
until
I
was
quite
close
,
and
then
I
slogged
for
his
jaw
.
Unfortunately
he
was
a
little
quicker
.
382
When
I
next
took
an
interest
in
things
I
found
myself
lying
in
the
road
.
The
sound
of
the
gang
was
diminishing
into
the
distance
,
and
the
prophet
of
doom
,
restored
to
eloquence
,
was
sending
threatful
bolts
of
damnation
,
hell
-
fire
,
and
a
brimstone
gehenna
hurtling
after
them
.
383
With
a
bit
of
sense
knocked
into
me
,
I
became
thankful
that
the
affair
had
not
fallen
out
worse
.
Had
the
result
been
reversed
,
I
could
scarcely
have
escaped
making
myself
responsible
for
the
men
he
had
been
leading
.
Отключить рекламу
384
After
all
,
and
whatever
one
might
feel
about
his
methods
,
he
was
the
eyes
of
that
party
,
and
they
d
be
looking
to
him
for
food
as
well
as
for
drink
.
And
the
women
would
go
along
too
,
on
their
own
account
as
soon
as
they
got
hungry
enough
.
And
now
I
came
to
look
around
me
,
I
felt
doubtful
whether
any
of
the
women
hereabouts
would
seriously
mind
anyway
.
What
with
one
thing
and
another
,
it
looked
as
if
I
might
have
had
a
lucky
escape
from
promotion
to
gang
leadership
.
385
Remembering
that
they
had
been
headed
for
the
Café
Royal
,
I
decided
to
revive
myself
and
clear
my
head
at
the
Regent
Palace
Hotel
.
Others
appeared
to
have
thought
of
that
before
me
,
but
there
were
quite
a
lot
of
bottles
they
had
not
found
.
386
I
think
it
was
while
I
was
sitting
there
comfortably
with
a
brandy
in
front
of
me
and
a
cigarette
in
my
hand
that
I
at
last
began
to
admit
that
what
I
had
seen
was
all
real
and
decisive
.
There
would
be
no
going
back
ever
.
It
was
finish
to
all
I
had
known
.
.
.
387
Perhaps
it
had
needed
that
blow
to
drive
it
home
.
Now
I
came
face
to
face
with
the
fact
that
my
existence
simply
had
no
focus
any
longer
.
My
way
of
life
,
my
plans
,
ambitions
,
every
expectation
I
had
had
,
they
were
all
wiped
out
at
a
stroke
,
along
with
the
conditions
that
had
formed
them
.
I
suppose
that
had
I
had
any
relatives
or
close
attachments
to
mourn
I
should
have
felt
suicidally
derelict
at
that
moment
but
what
had
seemed
at
times
a
rather
empty
existence
turned
out
now
to
be
lucky
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388
My
mother
and
father
were
dead
,
my
one
attempt
to
marry
had
miscarried
some
years
before
,
and
there
was
no
particular
person
dependent
on
me
.
And
,
curiously
,
what
I
found
that
I
did
feel
with
a
consciousness
that
it
was
against
what
I
ought
to
be
feeling
was
release
.
.
.
389
It
wasn
t
just
the
brandy
,
for
it
persisted
.
I
think
it
may
have
come
from
the
sense
of
facing
something
quite
fresh
and
new
to
me
.
All
the
old
problems
,
the
stale
ones
,
both
personal
and
general
,
had
been
solved
by
one
mighty
slash
.
Heaven
alone
knew
as
yet
what
others
might
arise
and
it
looked
as
though
there
would
be
plenty
of
them
but
they
would
be
new
.
I
was
emerging
as
my
own
master
,
and
no
longer
a
cog
.
It
might
well
be
a
world
full
of
horrors
and
dangers
that
I
should
have
to
face
,
but
I
could
take
my
own
steps
to
deal
with
it
I
would
no
longer
be
shoved
hither
and
thither
by
forces
and
interests
that
I
neither
understood
nor
cared
about
.
390
No
,
it
wasn
t
altogether
the
brandy
,
for
even
now
,
years
afterward
,
I
can
still
feel
something
of
it
though
possibly
the
brandy
did
oversimplify
things
a
little
just
then
.