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In
a
trance
.
November
21st
It
s
the
middle
of
the
night
.
I
can
t
sleep
.
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I
hate
myself
.
I
nearly
became
a
murderess
tonight
.
I
shall
never
be
the
same
again
.
It
is
difficult
to
write
.
My
hands
are
bound
.
I
ve
got
the
gag
off
.
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It
all
began
at
lunch
.
I
realized
that
I
was
having
to
struggle
not
to
be
nice
to
him
.
Because
I
felt
I
must
talk
to
someone
.
Even
him
.
At
least
he
is
a
human
being
.
When
he
went
away
after
lunch
,
I
wanted
to
call
him
back
to
talk
.
What
I
felt
was
quite
different
from
what
I
decided
I
should
feel
two
days
ago
.
So
I
made
a
new
decision
.
I
could
never
hit
him
with
anything
down
here
.
I
ve
watched
him
so
much
with
that
in
mind
.
And
he
never
turns
his
back
to
me
.
Besides
,
there
s
no
weapon
.
So
I
thought
,
I
ve
got
to
get
upstairs
and
find
something
,
some
means
.
I
had
several
ideas
.
Otherwise
I
was
afraid
I
would
fall
into
the
old
trap
of
pitying
him
.