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I
wondered
if
I
had
ever
done
anything
to
justify
my
mother
s
fear
.
There
were
no
such
memories
,
but
how
could
I
be
sure
there
weren
t
horrible
thoughts
repressed
behind
the
barriers
of
my
tortured
conscience
?
In
the
sealed
-
off
passageways
,
beyond
blind
alleys
,
that
I
would
never
see
.
Possibly
I
will
never
know
.
"
Whatever
the
truth
is
,
I
must
not
hate
Rose
for
protecting
Norma
.
I
must
understand
the
way
she
saw
it
.
Unless
I
forgive
her
,
I
will
have
nothing
.
Norma
was
trembling
.
"
Take
it
easy
,
"
I
said
.
"
She
doesn
t
know
what
she
s
doing
.
It
wasn
t
me
she
was
raving
at
.
It
was
the
old
Char
­
lie
.
She
was
afraid
of
what
he
might
do
to
you
.
I
can
t
blame
her
for
wanting
to
protect
you
.
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But
we
don
t
have
to
think
about
it
now
,
because
he
s
gone
forever
isn
t
he
?
"
She
wasn
t
listening
to
me
.
There
was
a
dreamy
ex
­
pression
on
her
face
.
"
I
ve
just
had
one
of
those
strange
ex
­
periences
where
something
happens
,
and
you
have
the
feeling
you
know
it
s
going
to
happen
,
as
if
it
all
took
place
before
,
the
exact
same
way
,
and
you
watch
it
unfold
again
.
.
.
.
"
"
A
very
common
experience
.
"
She
shook
her
head
.
"
Just
now
,
when
I
saw
her
with
that
knife
,
it
was
like
a
dream
I
had
a
long
time
ago
.
"
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"
What
was
the
use
of
telling
her
she
had
undoubtedly
been
awake
that
night
as
a
child
,
and
had
seen
the
whole
thing
from
her
room
that
it
had
been
repressed
and
twisted
until
she
imagined
it
as
a
fantasy
.
No
reason
for
burdening
her
with
the
truth
.
She
would
have
enough
sad
­
ness
with
my
mother
in
the
days
to
come
.
I
would
gladly
have
taken
the
burden
and
the
pain
off
her
hands
,
but
there
was
no
sense
in
starting
something
I
couldn
t
finish
.
I
would
have
my
own
suffering
to
live
with
.
There
was
no
way
to
stop
the
sands
of
knowledge
from
slipping
through
the
hourglass
of
my
mind
.
"
I
ve
got
to
go
now
,
"
I
said
.
"
Take
care
of
yourself
,
and
of
her
.
"
I
squeezed
her
hand
.
As
I
went
out
,
Napoleon
barked
at
me
.
I
held
it
in
for
as
long
as
I
could
,
but
when
I
reached
the
street
it
was
impossible
.
It
s
hard
to
write
it
down
,
but
people
turned
to
look
at
me
as
I
walked
back
to
the
car
,
crying
like
a
child
.
I
couldn
t
help
myself
,
and
I
didn
t
care